Addressing Life Changes

I have been with my current spouse since December 2011. I moved from Montana to Illinois to start a new life, ultimately with her. In February of this year, most of that comes to an end: she has sought out and aquired a job teaching English in Korea.

This is one of those things I am resigned to. It is what she needs to be happy and better chase her best self. Even if I did not care for it (and in many ways I don’t) I can’t stop her from going. Frustratingly, I don’t even know when she will be back. She may be back in a year; she may return to the states in four years to renew her Visa. In the interim, it will be up to me to raise our three children while also finding a way to take care of our already troubled finances. Or, perhaps I should correct, my finances.

I can admit that I have been selfish. Especially in the last couple of years I’ve made the decision to view media or read books that were considered “taboo” and I am a lot less “careful” to whom I speak with, all issues that constitute cheating in this relationship. I disagree that these were all things I agreed to when I signed up for this relationship, but it is clear that they were tenants she held close that I couldn’t adhere to.

And yes, unlike my spouse, I am a felon (ironically due to a crime directly tied to our struggling finances) which in some way makes me less deserving of being in a relationship, and she could definitely do better. I know the last couple of years of her working after not needing to for the last four previous has been a point of contention. Perhaps had I made better life choices I could have gone with her. To be fair, the idea I would have thrown everything away to move to another country is disrespectful and appaling in it’s own right, and I imagine we would still have the same issues just in another country.

Or something. Look, I am going to continue to be as respectful of my spouse’s choices as I can be, for my sanity and for my children. But I am done making excuses and I am done hiding it. I am done feeling alone and being treated like I only exist as some sort of servant who has to take care of everything but also is never taking care of things correctly. If someone doesn’t want to be with me and feels the best way to remove themselves from their responsibilities is to also forsake their career and their children, so be it. I will find a way to take care of things in their absence. I don’t care if I have to donate plasma twice a week, file for bankruptcy, and figure out some different employment options and/or living situations. My children deserve to have a parent that doesn’t hide from them. And frankly I deserve to live an environment that doesn’t treat me like a criminal.

Some very large changes are coming. I can’t see what all of them are. I will try to maintain what I can and also try to remember what my goals are for the year so that I don’t become stagnate. I need to be the best I can be during this time for myself and for my children.

My spouse has decided to leave. I am done making excuses for her. She can make her own decisions. Hope she understands I am going to minimize the pain to our children the very best I can.

Meanwhile I am so damn overwhelmed. Just trying to take things a step at a time. Trying not to become one of those bitter men who speaks ill of an ex all the time (indeed, we haven’t even discussed any form of separation so there’s that as well.)

I hate the anxiety. It is literally killing me. The uncertainty of it all.