The Fire Persists – And So Do I

Rumors of my death have been surprisingly accurate. Those same rumors do little to shine light on my rebirth. The real question is, will I be a zombie which has found himself in reasonable circumstances that I am destined to desecrate… or some sort of bird with flames that does the resurrection thing.

In the last year, my life has changed significantly. I have moved my family from a 2 star hotel to a program for homeless families that allowed me to eventually get into my own apartment. I have gone through significant therapy, allowing me to address some short comings and some significant trauma. I have found employment that works with my schedule, that isn’t what I would like to be doing but is at least with a crew of people I don’t mind suffering with. Things are, in many ways, stable.

My writing has made me some money, and I continue to improve upon it. This has not been without some obstacles of its own, which I’ll address later in this update, but just the fact that I have been able to improve my life to the point I can make money off of a hobby is a significant step in the direction I need to be heading.

This has been a good year, all things considered.

It has also been a year that has had me addressing some very significant demons in my life, several significant concerns for how I live it, and questioning the best way to get to where I can go compared to where I would like to.

Finalized the divorce, which puts me in a better place to take care of my kids, yet also came with its own baggage. It does allow my ex to be in a position to better her goals, which is important, and the truth of the matter is I do wish her well. Ultimately, I need to ensure that if I find myself in a relationship again in the future I choose to be more honest with myself, and by proxy with whomever I choose to be with. The separation does allow a lot of resentment and anger to heal, but with that comes the remembrance that there are two people in a relationship and in this failed marriage I was absolutely one of them.

Dealing with the mental health side of things has not been easy. I was concerned about side effects; I should have been concerned about stirring up ghosts I’ve been avoiding for decades. Some of what I have dealt with should not be brought upon others. Some of what I have done should never be done, to others or otherwise. The past can be a hard thing to break ahold of, and I have a long history of just ignoring it. Without addressing it, I can never grow. And it is clear that I need to continue to grow.

I had a story on Kindle Vella that was doing okay, and I began the editing process to see if I could get a ‘book 1’ out. The beta reading process revealed something that threw a wrench in those plans. Generally speaking, the first half was well received, but the second part was not. Like, at all. Doing a rework on it now, but there was about a month period that I just… drifted and didn’t touch it. Kind of throws everything off.

Just gotta grab that demon by horns again, China Shop be damned.

The last couple of months there has been a loss of support as I take on more of my life responsibilities on myself. I need to ensure I am not falling behind on bad habits and continue to work on moving forward. Ensure that I am socializing with individuals who will help me grow both creatively and as a person. Avoid mindless internet drama, even as I feel so at home with it. Plant seeds and ensure they grow, not just eat grass and complain there is manure in it.

I suspect in the coming weeks I’ll be using this blog more. The voices in the back of my mind have a lot to say, and while most of it isn’t important I might as well put it out there. I’ll be reviewing more media, talking about some indie franchises I care about and am invested in, supporting friends and acquaintances who are working on their own projects, and ultimately trying to grow myself less as a brand and more as a person.

If I can just get over the molasses of morose that surrounds my day to day. Seriously, it feels like the air I walk through is heavier than the air I breath.

Perhaps I am more undead than I thought.